Humorous Quotes

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

The only possible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

I don't know what effect these men will have upon the enemy, but by God, they frighten me.

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'

If all else fails immortality can always be assured by adequate error.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

I admire that about the Republicans: The evidence does not faze them. They are not bothered at all by the facts.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

We have met the enemy and he is us.

The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain.

Reality is something you rise above.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses.

Boys don't make passes at female smart asses.

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell

The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.

This act will leave a moral blot on his presidency

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'