Paul Merton Quotes
On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?
When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.
I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.
I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?
If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.
I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.
When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.
The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.
When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.
When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.
