Humorous Quotes
There are all kinds of psychological disorders in the West that don't exist in Asia.
Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this.
You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey.
So it happened at last: I was about to become a thief, a cheap milk-stealer. Here was your lash-in-the-pen genius, your one story-writer: a thief.
The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.
I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.
The essence of success is that it is never necessary to think of a new idea oneself. It is far better to wait until somebody else does it, and then to copy him in every detail, except his mistakes.
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!
This story is not and never was meant to challenge anyone's faith; however, if one's faith can be shaken by stories in a humorous novel, one may have a bit more praying to do.
Everything serious that he says is a joke and everything humorous that he says is dead serious.
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous open sewer.
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.
Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."
Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."
The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.
"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.
When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.
The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."
I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
It's a humorous statement that doesn't mean anything. You can't lie to God - it's ridiculous.
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.
Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?
In the world of human thought generally, and in physical science particularly, the most important and fruitful concepts are those to which it is impossible to attach a well-defined meaning.
