Humorous Quotes

I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part.

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."

When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.

"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence.

You'd be amazed how much research you can get done when you have no life whatsoever.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

Men love a joke - on the other fellow. But your really humorous woman loves a joke on herself.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

I believe he [Saddam Hussein] wants a better relationship with America.

I don't mind flying. I always pass out before the plane leaves the ground.

I am no indiscriminate novel reader. The mere trash of the common circulating library I hold in the highest contempt.

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Just because you’re allowed to use magic now you don’t have to whip your wands out for every tiny little thing!

Oh, you know what bloggers are like, they write and write and write. I don't know why, because they're not being paid.

I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?

If you have to pay the bills, and you write something you're not proud of, use a pen-name for that.

When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: "She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank.

I don't need new boots I got bluchers back down home. Eff the effing bluchers I'll buy you new adjectival effing elastic sided boots.

They can afford to smile because they all have teeth so dazzling if they dropped them in the snow they'd be lost forever.

It had better be. It doesn't do much when it's soft.

How hard can it be to find a girl and an elephant for Christ's sake?

If we loved Steve Aylett, really loved him in the way that he deserves, a selfless love that genuinely wanted nothing save his happiness and comfort, we'd lobotomise him.

Evolution is a theory with more holes than a Dutch dam of swiss cheese.

There is, after all, no pleasure like that given by a woman who really wants to see you.

Where's the pleasure in bein' the winner if the loser ain't alive to know they've lost?

I refuse to have a life partner who spends his days pretending to be on a BBC show.

The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.

So here's my theory, and this is such crap science, I don't have to tell you. It's science without microscopes, blood tests, or reality.

When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause.

You got off on the wrong foot. I merely watched you shove it into your mouth.

...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.

I had refused Emerson's well-meant offers of assistance, knowing his efforts would be confined to moving the furniture to the wrong places and demanding how much longer the process would take.

Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal.

I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.

‎What a blight that woman is. Do you happen to know why? I lean toward a malignant fairy at her christening.

When does he ever think?" Richard straddled a chair and accepted a wind cup from Raoul. "If he were to sell his brain, he could claim it had never been used.", Chapter 7

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Pink is supposed to weaken your enemies, make them go soft on you, which must be why it's used for baby girls. It's a wonder the military hasn't got on to this.

Certainly no one has ever died of an unrequited passion—it's usually the ones that are requited that get people in trouble.

Being here? With you? I've met my subconscious, and he's not that sick.

I disliked numbers, and they didn't think much of me either.

He had a bright, reckless tenor that was always wandering off, looking for notes in the wrong places.

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person's teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.

...personal torture instructor...I mean physical therapist.

I don't get why prom is like a mini-wedding these days...No one should spend that kind of money for a high school dance.