Humor Quotes

When a man's dog turns against hime, it is time for his wife to pack her trunk and go home to mamma.

Humor is like a frog; if you dissect it, it dies.

English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.

Wit and Humor - if any difference, it is in duration - lightning and electric light. Same material, apparently; but one is vivid, and can do damage - the other fools along and enjoys elaboration.

We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...their homes also should be razed and destroyed.

If wit is the most sophisticated form of humor, pranks are the most juvenile.

Focus on your work. Be the best you that you can be. Develop a thick skin and let things roll off your back. And keep a sense of humor!

I'm very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, 'how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors'. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.

A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each other to be better

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.

Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

An adequate share of humor and laughter represents an essential part of the diet of the healthy person.

Politics is the art of achieving prestige and power without merit.

The Australian language is easier to learn than boat talk. It has a vocabulary of about six words.

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me.

Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn’t it?

Part of being human is having a sense of humor.

Do what you do best, and outsource the rest.

everybody fancies they have that rare thing, a sense of humour.

Cosmic humor, especially about your own predicament, is an important part of your journey.

A sense of humor is an escape valve for the pressures of life.

He who does not like you will defame you in jest.

Plus, humor ws a good way to hide the pain. And if that didn't work, there was always Plan B. Run aaway. Over and over.

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Optimist: someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

There is a mandate to impose a voluntary return to traditional values.

I've never used my weight to get a laugh. That is, used my size as the subject for humor. You never saw me stuck in a door-way or stuck in a chair.