Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Some people are as angry as they seem to be only because it's the safest place to hide from more pain.

People with passion are people who will destroy - for a man's passion is not true until he proves how much he's willing to sacrifice for it.

If there is a god, the only genuine friend he has is an atheist. He does not blame him for anything.

The liberty of the press is not confined to newspapers and periodicals. It necessarily embraces pamphlets and leaflets.

Value is a relative concept: the value of each action is determined by comparing it with other possible actions.

The elephant is never won by anger; nor must that man who would reclaim a lion take him by the teeth.

You never feel that you have fame. It's always in back of you.

Bear in mind that capitalism is a tiny period of human society. You never really had capitalism, you always had one or another variant of state capitalism.

For me, the dead remain dead. If I couldn't believe that, I don't think I could go on living.

We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.