I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Poppe, once a leading figure at a scientific research institute, found a job as a swimming pool attendant

Each conflict is self conflict.

Prosperity is only an instrument to be used, not a deity to be worshipped.

I came along at a time when the industry was eating its young.

The purpose of meditation is to stop thinking for a time, wait for the fog of thought to thin, and glimpse the spirit within.

He went to the hospital with bleeding kidney and me,I went dancing with my life

Fate operates when people give up

I recorded the song 'Believers' because I feel the song has a strong and much needed message. We all need encouragement and something to believe in.

Parity is for farmers.

We played in an era where you were taught to hate your opponent. But life changes. I raise my kids differently than my mom and dad raised their kids.