Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

the answers you look for are within you and around you

We laughed over our difference then spent years bonding over things that made us the same.

Hypocrite shouts about the change, but never let risk coming on his way.

Believe in yourself and relief yourself of the undue anxiety of feelings of incompetency. Leave worry aside and live with the hope that your dominion is not determined by people’s negative opinions!

You’ll get better with time so be patient with yourself.

If we get above the individualized soul's journey, you will see that we are all one. We are all one light. In that sense, we are all enlightened.

You are not defined by your possessions, looks, or popularity. You are made in God's image.

...the sound of our lack of conversation amplified by the echo of our footsteps on the stone around us.

In America, there are people who don't read science fiction but still think about tomorrow, so it's not only the force of science-fiction that makes you a tomorrow thinker.

Humor is the foundation of reconciliation.