So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Love didn't make you weak, it made you stronger.

How hurtful it can be to deny one's true self and live a life of lies just to appease others.

One great error is that we suppose mankind more honest than they are.

What keeps us from abandoning ourselves entirely to one vice, often, is the fact that we have several.

Yeah, Vegas is the number one place to go. Vegas is Sin City. It really gives you a feeling of looseness and anything can go.

The fireflies o'er the meadow In pulses come and go.

I grew up in Doraville, Georgia and I ate barbecued ribs and chicken fried steak, and all kinds of cheesy grits, you know, and I never even thought twice about it.

College was a blast. My three years of college were the best years of my life.

A true marketplace is a treasure of long tail products.

I'm a guy, but I'm not afraid to cry. Not all of the time. But when I'm watching a movie, I'll sometimes shed a tear, especially 'Moulin Rouge'.