The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

O Lord, I thank you for the gift of life.

There are many lovely women but no perfect ones.

I'm very optimistic. I think if you would describe me, my pretty consistent affect is that I'm a pretty happy person.

A non-Communist premier with Communist ministers would be like a woman trying to stay half pregnant.

My dad liked how January went with Jones. My sisters' names are Jina and Jacey Jones.

In the dark days and darker nights when England stood alone-and most men save Englishmen despaired of England's life-he [Churchill] mobilized the English language and sent it into battle.

Feudalism made land the measure and the master of all things.

Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man, but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who thinks he can.

In spite of her cute little angelic face and pink sneakers, Brianna is actually a baby Tyrannosaurus rex. On STEROIDS!

You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.