I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

No one else can choose your attitude for you. Your perspective and choice of attitude gives you the power to be in control.

If you want a meaningful life for yourself don't ask "What can the world offer to me?" but "What can I offer to the world?

Time alone reveals the just man but you might discern a bad man in a single day.

When religious leaders get involved in elections, it is usually with a reactionary social agenda.

What is possible for me is possible for you.

Obama seems to want to do something to damage rich people.

The tumultuous populace of large cities are ever to be dreaded. Their indiscriminate violence prostrates for the time all public authority, and its consequences are sometimes extensive and terrible.

If I were less than honest as a critic, I think people would spot that right away, and it would destroy my credibility.

When I'm working, I don't wear any makeup at all. Unless I am doing an event, I love to wear no makeup at all, which is hardly ever as I am working every day!

For the future, the motto is, "No days unalert."