Humor Quotes

I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter.", 1657)

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Any fool can make a ruleAnd any fool will mind it.

I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

I can't go on, I'll go on.

If I ever meet myself, ' said Zaphod, 'I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me.

Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?'Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

Definition of rock journalism: People who can't write, doing interviews with people who can't think, in order to prepare articles for people who can't read.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing--turn your toes out when you walk---And remember who you are!

Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."]

It is perfectly monstrous, ' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I made this [letter] very long, because I did not have the leisure to make it shorter.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was."Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked.

You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.

I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.

It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it which the merely improbable lacks.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

This is a good place, " he said."There's a lot of liquor, " I agreed.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

Familiarity breeds contempt and children.

There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous andshallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what youknow ain't so'.

Ow! My brains!

Climate is what you expect, weather is what you get.

To err is human, to purr is feline.

It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech.

Pranks vs school= pranks win all day

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

What's up?" [asked Ford.]"I don't know, " said Marvin, "I've never been there.

Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it....

Electricity is really just organized lightning

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.