Humor Quotes

I rode an elevator with a guy who was whistling the tune of 'this is the song that never ends'. Putting that on me? Come on dude..

My capacity for happiness, " he added, "you could fit into a matchbox without taking out the matches first

If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin.

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side, 'said the dewdrop to the lake.

If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.

Women have no appreciation of good looks-at least, good women have not.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

Suffer love! A good ephitet! I do suffer love indeed, for I love thee against my will.

Have you any other objection than your belief of my indifference?"- Elizabeth Bennet

Either this wallpaper goes, or I do.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima

People do not deserve good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

To write a novel, you need an iron butt.

What are you going to do? "Can't say - run for president, write -" "Greenwich Village?" "Good heavens, no - I said write - not drink.

The English novels are the only relaxation of the intellectually unemployed. But one should not be too severe on them. They show a want of knowledge that must be the result of years of study.

LADY BRACKNELLTo speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impos

what would you call this haircut?"arthur.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

But what about the End of the Universe? We'll miss the big moment."I've seen it. It's rubbish, " said Zaphod, "nothing but a gnab gib."A what?"Opposite of a big bang. Come on, let's get zappy.

I think we have different value systems." —Arthur"Well mine's better." —Ford

A towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have.

What are American dry-goods? asked the duchess, raising her large hands in wonder and accentuating the verb.American novels, answered Lord Henry.

The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not

God in his infinite wisdomDid not make me very wise-So when my actions are stupidThey hardly take God by surprise.

. . . confirmed libertines don't reform until they're tired . . .

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?

I'm back... and you knew I was coming. On my way here I passed a cinema with the sign 'The Mummy Returns'.

Politics is the Art of Controlling Your Enviroment.