Woody Allen Quotes

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought, ] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

bullshit french post-war rationalizing

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.