Woody Allen Quotes

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

If Jesus came back and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing-up.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, [Cloquet thought, ] while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

One must have one's delusions to live. If you look at life too honestly and clearly, life becomes unbearable because it's a pretty grim enterprise, you will admit.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.

All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.