Funny Quotes

It's great to be able to pretend you're tough but funny at the same time.

Most of the time, my favorite drama has comedy in it as well. I think most good dramas have comedy in there. And all of the dramatic actors I look up to are also very funny.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you - I hope she meets somebody nice.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

Old man with an old phone. That's never not funny.

Animals talking are very rarely funny. But animals behaving as animals - always funny.

It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious.

I was the funny, outgoing kid who didn't understand how he could keep getting mistaken for a nerd nobody liked.

I don't want want to go to jail, I'm fragile.

I grew up in a house that liked to be funny. Everybody liked to be funny. My family's been...we've been enjoying each other's comedy for years.

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever tried that.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Love has a funny way of showing up when you aren't looking for it and didn't plan on it.

It's always funny to me when people meet me. They really think I'm from the East coast off top. When they get to talkin' to me, they go "Oh no, she's sooooo Southern"

I'm just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can. I've just got to be myself and hopefully people will find me. And my audience did find me.

So much of a stand-up's life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.

You know, Lincoln was funny. I don't think F.D.R. was very funny. But Lincoln was funny. Lincoln was really funny. But I think you should get elected first, and then show that you're funny.

For 35 years I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren’t funny. Some of them weren’t appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.

My primary responsibility is to be funny.

Sometimes I get, "Have you ever thought about doing real music?" I like to think the music I do is real, it just happens to be funny.

So that's why one of my rules of parody writing is that it's gotta be funny regardless of whether you know the source material. It has to work on its own merit.

Writing a book has about it some of the anxiety of telling a joke and having to wait several years to know whether or not it was funny.

Being funny should be an incidental byproduct of trying to get to something truthful, not a destination in itself.

What is a husband? He is the one who, with a touch, can bring back the starlight and glow of years long ago. At least he hopes he can - don't disappoint him.

Had your forefathers, Wigglesworth, been as stupid as you are, the human race would never have succeeded in procreating itself.

When a monkey nibbles on a weenis, it's funny in any language.

I wouldn't overall say that "The Diagnosis" is a funny book. I would say that it has comic moments. It's a modern tragedy.

Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.

When I'm doing a drama, I wish I was doing something funny. When I'm doing something funny, I wish I was doing something more serious.

If you're going through a divorce and you're in a comedy you have to find some way to find the funny side of things even though you might not want to.

I love Diego [ Luna Cassian]. Diego is very funny. He's a very cool guy. I'm looking forward to doing all the press stuff and getting to hang out with him and everybody again.

Obviously when you're a child actor, you have zero inhibitions. You don't care. You don't get introverted thinking people are looking at you funny.

I don't want to be the one to break it to you, but the future ain't that funny.

There's nothing funny about flying to Houston.

Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.

If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.

The equation for ego is: One over Knowledge.

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

In London, it's hard for me to wear anything more colorful than black. When I'm in Rome, I dress up in white. When I'm in Paris, I became a Parisian. Striped T-shirt, Chanel. It's funny!

On the red carpet, I can be different women with every event and change my style and that's funny because at the end of the day, that's my work as an actress.

Comedy is such a private thing; it's not always easy to translate something funny from one language to another. It's very personal and cultural as well.

When you have passion it changes your perspective on things, you want every tiny detail to be right. You want funny moments to be funny, sad moments to be sad. You wanna give your all.

Same thing, like my commercials are often times really funny because I tend to find 30 seconds is a really good amount of time to tell a joke.