Albert Brooks Quotes

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

I'm not a big fan of the post-Armageddon stories, where Denzel Washington is walking around in a torn coat.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?

Your spouse should be just attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

If you want to be a writer, just write. There's no magic to it.

Getting older is a lot of fun. Right up there with chewing glass or putting your hand in a blender.

I can't not put humor in a book.

When I die, if the word 'thong' appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

I've never been disappointed, because I've never given somebody I liked that much power.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

If we had 3 million exhibitionists and only one voyeur, nobody could make any money.

I don't know that I can define fear. But one of the sources of fear is holding up some sort of model life that doesn't exist and feeling like you're far away from it.

So I think if you're happy with your brain, you're powerful.

I'd still like to see 'Survivor' minus the planned show-biz parts. That would be the purest form of show business - I want to see someone so hungry that they eat somebody else's foot.

I'm not Elvis. I don't get chased by paparazzi.

I never wanted to be a director.

Someone asked me "what do you think of Donald Trump?" And I said, "I would rather vote for Hillary Clinton in jail." If she gets convicted, I'll vote for her for president.

If anything happens to me, tell every woman I've ever gone with I was talking about her at the end. That way, they'll have to reevaluate me.

I've always felt like I work in a small little area that doesn't represent anything like the rest of society.

I've been to many funerals of funny people, and they're some of the funniest days you'll ever have, because the emotions run high.

I don't want to get close to people who have secrets that I don't know about.

Don't worry, and don't kick yourself forever. Just take the opportunities when they come.

Be generous and you can be the best person who ever lived.

Most entertainment is trying to get you. It's tested, like toothpaste.

Even though my father was a radio comedian, it wasn't cool to say, at a young age, 'I want to be a comedian.'

I think anger and laughter are very close to each other, when you think about it.

You know, when cameras are rolling, improvisation doesn't feel natural. The pressure is too great. You're on a time schedule. You've got 60 crewmen.

I take anything other than 'you big pig!' as a compliment.

Twitter is the Devil's playground.

How many people didn't get a part who would have been better than the person who got the part? Thousands.

I cast unusual people in my movies.

I come from the place where I am thinking 'I have put my blood on the pages.'

If you're going to act and do this for a living, you want to play something that the audience didn't expect.

I like movies about failing.

I'm a member of the Academy, but I don't know who all the other Academy members are. It's not like a politician who knows who is in the Iowa caucus.

One of the things I like about a character: I always think it's fascinating when a character can turn on a dime and go from one emotion to another. I like watching that.

I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

If I'm going to act in someone's movie, I want the movie to be interesting and be able to get a couple of solid doubles.

I'm not interesting enough on my own that you'd want to see a film about me.

I've always liked to think ahead. Not stupid-far ahead. A hundred years doesn't interest me. But 20 years interests me, and more for what happens to humans as opposed to things.

I've always been the king of silence. I've always been a minimalist comedian. I've taken my influence from Jack Benny, who was the king of that I've always done 'less is more.'

Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.

If you look at the best-seller list for American fiction, they're all sequels to detective stories or stories about hunting serial killers. That's what's called American fiction these days.

In my screenplays - from the very beginning I've always used tape. I talk my screenplays. And then have somebody transcribe them.

I've always been in the middle of making my own movies, so taking acting jobs that take me away from that has been impossible.

I, sort of, got into comedy accidentally, and it got bigger than I wanted it to.

Movies are an expensive business.

Nobody will leave any place unless they're forced out. That's the nature of humans. Once you're there, you're there. I've never seen anybody get up voluntarily and leave any place.

Excited about Black Friday. Also excited about Jew Tuesday.