Funny Quotes

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Are you trying to tell all of us we have a bad signal-to-noise ratio?

Marriage is nature's way of ensuring that a woman picks up some mothering experience before she has her first child.

The ability to be funny is pretty widespread in the population.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I always thought that my canine family tended to view me as the funny-looking two-legged dog who runs the can opener.

Writing a funny story is one thing. But writing a funny story that inspires others to venture beyond their level of comfort in pursuit of their greater good is what makes me come alive.

Fascism was really the basis for the New Deal.

I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.

I think maybe to survive, I mean to just get through the day - I'm not saying that everything is hilariously funny.

This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!

It would be really nice to make a record that would be super-fun to play live - a record that would be funny, with a little bit of heart.

I'm saving my sick days for when I'm feeling better.

The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.

Funny how life messed with you.

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

I adore the company of other writers because they are so often lively minds and, frequently, blazingly funny. And of course, we get each other in a unique way.

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind

I used to comb my hair back and do stupid stuff

There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not... she's got balls of steel.

Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian Cup?

I always feel like I'm the young one, I'm the small one.

You know if they said kindness or funniness was really most important to them then they will be more likely to say yes to the person that they thought was kind and funny.

How funny it is that the most unlikely person sometimes becomes your ally.

People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn't want to and he couldn't

I was a very quiet child growing up. I always knew that I was funny - I just never put it to use.

My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack. If it is a vessel equal to yours, attack. And if it is stronger than yours, also attack.

You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Between funny and witty Falls the shadow

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.

It is difficult to be funny and great at the same time. Aristophanes and Moliere and Mark Twain must sit below Aristotle and Bossuet and Emerson.

In order for comedy to be funny you have to play the truth of the moment. But if you're not being completely truthful to the basis of the character, its not going to be funny.

Even hating myself I still think I'm better than you.

Cher is really down-to-earth, very nurturing, incredibly funny and fun, a great storyteller, and creates a great environment on the set.

I think anyone loves to play a character that is either evil to a certain extent or has a real definable character flaw. Those are always really fun, and, I think, funny.

Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.

A lot of people can be very scared about making themselves vulnerable and appearing uncool. I don't really give a damn; as long as it's funny, I'll do it [make fun of myself].

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.