Funny Quotes

We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. They were on the runway at Saddam International Airport. That force was crushed

Funny how someone can come into your life for such a brief time but leave such a lasting impression.

And he's lost both right front tires.

Schumacher has made his final stop three times.

Alesi is in second place, and Hill is in second place.

Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?

As a rule people don't think other people on drugs are funny. They think they are tragic. They have a point, but I still had the funny.

I realized, dumb people don't know they're dumb. When people try to make me laugh and they try to be funny, that's when they lose me. I find a lot of comedy in honesty.

Being sued by your own record company, that's even better than receiving a Grammy

I had no choice. Love does funny things to people.

It may sound funny, but I got a thrill when I was pulled into a crowd once. It was like 'How am I going to get out of this?!

A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.

The Stately Homes of England, How beautiful they stand, To prove the Upper Classes, Have still the Upper Hand.

Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)

I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.

It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.

The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."

Remember, your body needs 6 to 8 glasses of fluid daily. Straight up or on the rocks.

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

I am the ultimate California girl, which is funny, being that I'm Canadian.

Softball is what old men play to try to feel young again.

To me, there's nothing funnier than funny people in peril, because it's just a great springboard for people to be at a heightened emotionality and things get funnier.

Robin Williams learned technique. He has the technique of being funny.

I love funny people. I met and became friends with some of the funniest people ever. Gilda Radner, bless her soul; Martin Short; Dave Thomas; Eugene Levy.

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

Genius is born-not paid

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.

As a young girl, if you do something funny - especially if you're Jewish - someone says, 'Oh, have you seen Gilda Radner?'

I hate trying to analyze comedy in some deep way. If it gets laughs, it's funny.

I find it funny that people now come up to me and say, 'Wow, you are absolutely gorgeous. I'm like, 'I was beautiful before I lost weight. Egotistically speaking, I thought I was amazing.'

I've known Chevy Chase for so long, I actually knew him when he was funny!

Steve Yarbrough's Safe from the Neighbors will take your breath away. Ambitious, funny, sad, smart, and beautifully crafted, it's everything a novel should be.

John Ford was so funny that I couldn't wait to go to work in the morning.

I don't like you two going off on you won. Just remember: behave. If I hear about any funny business, I will ground you until the Styx freezes over.

Real racist jokes or sexist jokes aren't funny - not because they're offensive, but because they're not true. As soon as a joke is based on an untruth, it's not funny.

I love how people walk around with crucifixes, skullcaps, pointy hats, funny beards and then say 'you should keep your atheism to yourself.'

When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".