Funny Quotes

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

He has a 5 year plan... What is it, don't die?

It is easy to smile at an insult and pretend it's funny when the person insulting you is hosing you with money.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?

I've been to many funerals of funny people, and they're some of the funniest days you'll ever have, because the emotions run high.

The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.

One of the reasons there are so many terms for conditions of ice is that the mariners observing it were often trapped in it, and had nothing to do except look at it.

I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing.

Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out.

Baseball has a funny way to tap you on the shoulder when you least expect it and tells you it's the end.

You always dream about being on a baseball card. It's kind of funny when you finally see it.

Old age hath yet his honour and his toil.

I wish I could get all the discourteous drivers on a ship and sail them away and make sure it's a really horrible, wavy journey and when they get to where they're going, keep them there.

Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who'd understand the fundamental value of goofing off. Because if not, how boring would that be?

I'm twice as funny, I'm twice as smart, I'm twice as whatever when I'm around other people that challenge me.

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.

Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.

I’m a Twitter addict. Jose Andres is a serial tweeter. It’s funny to see which chefs have embraced it, and the different paths they take.

... I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes - which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.

Flight Reservation Systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere.

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.

Elections are always a little bit funny. People start saying things and emphasizing differences. After the election, my hope is, is that people start emphasizing what we have in common.

Charlie Christian showed me a lot, and was a great help, but even then, I realised that if I was going to make it, it was no use copying Charlie

I feel funny about owning art. I don't really want to say: "Wow, come and see my Monet - it's in a dark room at the bottom of my cellar."

I think this whole celebrity world is weird anyway. Weird and funny and kind of pathetic and yet so right for parody.

O Music! Miraculous art! A blast of thy trumpet and millions rush forward to die; a peal of thy organ and uncounted nations sink down to pray.

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.

The law often permits what honor prohibits.

Women have been funny for years.

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.

I've got kids and that's important. It's funny, you think that there's an expiration date on them and there just isn't.

Behind every good decathlete, there's a good doctor.

Leader, bandits at 2 o'clock! Roger; it's only 1:30 now-what'll I do 'til then?

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold.

It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.

Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses?

Milton Hope led the singing of Happy Birthday ... He would say, 'Keep it sweet and short and don't try to be funny.'

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I got my start in silent radio.

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

It's not that comedy has changed in terms of what's funny. For me, it's changed in that sometimes I don't feel my finger is on the pulse.