Funny Quotes

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

CPR dummy looked like him and had clearly been stabbed. Repeatedly. In the groin. He thought she might have used the dummy for target practice, and tried not to be offended. Key word: tried.

I am an artist you know ... it is my right to be odd.

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp.

I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair.

At least my happiness doesn't depend on Ron's goalkeeping ability.

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me.

What is a quote? A quote (cognate with quota) is a cut, a section, a slice of someone's orange. You suck the slice, toss the rind, skate away.

The [Five Second Rule] has many variations, including The Three Second Rule, The Seven Second Rule, and the extremely handy and versatile The However Long It Takes Me to Pick Up This Food Rule.

Matt would stare at Andrew for 10 minutes. It's depressing that people are different. Everyone should be one person, who should then kill itself in hand-to-hand combat.

Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?

Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, "Bob would be very disappointed in you.

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.

It's funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

If you're funny, if there's something that makes you laugh, then every day's going to be okay.

You'll be fine, just some minor burns and hypothermia, which was kind of hard to explain.

You know that passage in the Bible that says, “And the meek shall inherit the Earth”? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, “And the geek shall inherit the Earth.

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

I have this horrible sense of humor where I think discomfort is funny - partly because I experience discomfort a lot, and it's a way of laughing at it and getting a release.

Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation.

If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.

A funny thing is that you can't search me on Twitter because Adam Levine dominates there.

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on.

We all know funny people who can't get it down on the page - even funny writers who can't get it down on the page.

I think everyone is born funny. Sadly, some lives beat it out of them. I don't know what allows someone to keep being funny and actually make a career of it.

A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

That's the funny thing about old hurts- they just wait for new heartache to come along and then show up, just as sharp and horrible as the first day you woke up with the world changed all around you.

The funny thing about writing is I think a lot of people assume that you're sitting in a garret with a quill pen for hour after hour.

The funny thing is, whenever I'm working on something, I kind of forget there's a lot of people watching. It makes it easier to be in the moment and to tell a story as well as possible.

I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny

The funny thing is, I'm so used to not caring what anyone says, good or bad, that unfortunately even when people say good things I wish it made me feel good, but it doesn't.

The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you.

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life saying the right thing at the right time is beyond crucial.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.