I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Three women walk into a pub and say, 'Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format'

You can start anew at any given moment. Life is just the passage of time and it’s up to you to pass it as you please.

Everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to not make the same mistake twice.

A distinguished clergyman told me that he chose the profession of a clergyman because it afforded the most leisure for literary pursuits. I would recommend to him the profession of a governor.

Never undertake anything for which you wouldn't have the courage to ask the blessings of heaven.

The NSA buys data from private companies, so the private companies are the source of all this stuff.

I don't believe for one second that the eye surgery has helped me on the mound

By writing quickly we are not brought to write well, but by writing well we are brought to write quickly.

Seeking out causes is a pastime of the mind. There is no duality of cause and effect. Everything is its own cause.

A number of religions in Ankh-Morpork still practiced human sacrifice, except that they didn't really need to practice any more because they had got so good at it.