If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

You want to be happy? you should first learn how to let it go

Gentlemen don't propose when they're eating.

I don't really want people to see me. I'm not into stardom.

I like most everything about my various jobs. The bottom line is I'm really fortunate to get paid to cover sports.

Nothing trains you better to write fiction than being really good at writing about your own interiority.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

One of my last few vices is coffee, but with a spot of almond or soymilk, it's never tasted better!

Wal-Mart doesn't really care about your faith. Wal-Mart cares if you have money to spend, and it is going to be as generic as possible in exploiting the holiday season for every buck it can make.

impulses sometimes have logical roots and ought to be given in to.

That wee have of Geometry, which is the mother of all Naturall Science, wee are not indebted for it to the Schools.