George Carlin Quotes

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

All music is the blues. All of it.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Religion is just mind control.

The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the intellect.

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

Life is a series of dogs.

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

What year did Jesus think it was?

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

Is there another word for synonym?