George Carlin Quotes

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.

Hard work is for people short on talent.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

If God created everything, he's got a serious quality control problem.

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?