George Carlin Quotes

Is there another word for synonym?

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form - it's certainly artistry.

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I like my jokes to be built on a foundation of ideas, or at least smart observations.

I don't vote. We're led to believe we're free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

I think it's important to break taboos for the same reason it's important to break laws and rules - because either you're a slave to them, or you're taking matters into your hands.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I am not a complete vegetarian. I eat only animals that have died in their sleep.

We kind of shape our truths as we speak them. We fashion things to suit the occasion or the person or our own needs in the moment.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.