Dane Cook Quotes

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I had never done a roast, but I really wanted to, because it's so different from standup.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

I'm completely ecstatic when a woman has own back story and brings something to the table and has a real strong kind of independence.