If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I am a new universe beginning to expand.

Poets are born, not paid.

You are alive today, and no matter what your condition, make a mark here and now. Opportunity is at every moment, seizing it is pleasure.

There must have been something in my nature - I believe, with all my heart, that I have conquered it now - which prevented me from being perfectly happy or making a woman perfectly happy.

Having a yacht is a reason for being more cheerful than most.

All the live murmur of a summer's day.

If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

Absolutely everything you experience in your life is a result of what you have given in your thoughts and feelings, whether you realize you have given them or not.

It is not only vain, but wicked, in a legislator to frame laws in opposition to the laws of nature, and to arm them with the terrors of death. This is truly creating crimes in order to punish them.

Why is there happiness and comfort and excitement where you are and no where else in the world.