It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I don't watch reality TV, my reality is tough enough.

What will your family think, me showing up on their doorstep with my suitcase in hand?""I'll carry your suitcase, " he said.

Marketing is about spreading the love.

Leadership is a choice, not a position.

Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip!

There is nothing "ordinary" about reality.

I grew up and still didn't know what it meant to be a man.

We serve a good God who oversees the affairs of mankind.

For the wretched one night is like a thousand; for someone faring well death is just one more night.

Our children are watching us live and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say.