Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The moment we notice our thoughts is one of the most transformative experiences we can have.

Too much of anything is the beginning of a mess.

Troubles are like babies - they only grow by nursing.

Humility means freedom. It provides growth and takes you out of the cycle of change that you are currently in, which is stagnation.

Submit your sentiments with diffidence. A dictatorial style, though it may carry conviction, is always accompanied with disgust.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

You have what is known as a lot of character, meaning you can be wrong at the top of your lungs.

If there is no truth, there is no injustice.

you only know yourself when you go beyond your limits

Treat everyone with love and respect because they are your brother or your sister.