I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

As soon as any man says of the affairs of the State "What does it matter to me?" the State may be given up for lost.

If life is a game... I need new dice!

Noble discontent is the path to heaven.

Great love leaves little doubt.

There are a lot of movies I feel good about. It was a great experience that I was lucky enough to be there in it. That's the way I feel.

Life came in and put me in front of the camera before I could really make a decision, but I think I probably would have gravitated to film.

Before the beginning of brilliance, there must be great chaos. Before a brilliant person begins something great, they must look foolish in the crowd.

If the word 'No' was removed from the English language, Ian Paisley would be speechless.

Everything has to do with geography.

We become what we think about all day long. The qustion is, "What do you think about?"