If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you'll have a good life.

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

When a new baby is expected mother has 9 months to prepare the family and the kitchen for her departure!

You have not wept at all! I see a white cheek and a faded eye, but no trace of tears. I suppose then, your heart has been weeping blood?

The number of malefactors authorizes not the crime.

When we're in our true being, the purpose of life is to feel that every moment is the purpose.

If the prodigal quits life in debt to others, the miser quits it still deeper in debt to himself.

I am a big fan of movies from the ’70s.

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?

I have found through trial and error that I work best under duress. In fact I work only under duress.

The whole Universe is a large joke. Everything in the Universe are just subdivisions of this joke. So why take anything too serious.

We are not in a position to criticize anyone. The existence of enemies means for us that our friendliness has not been sufficient enough.