my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

My spirit has been around far longer than my soul--I've lived several lifetimes already. And one this novel has been written, I will have lived several more.

Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.

If we don't take care of each other, who will? ... I don't want to ever say, 'I should've done something.'

If you are not highly educated, you will need to abandon your anxiety and fear of reading and doing research.

In other words, the barbaric acts carried out in this building were probably almost a matter of routine.

Hope is sweet-minded and sweet-eyed. It draws pictures; it weaves fancies; it fills the future with delight.

There is nothing more frightful than for a teacher to know only what his scholars are intended to know.

I wish adults would spend less energy freaking out about the cutting itself and work harder to understand what drives kids to self-harm.

I want someone who puts the whole ball of wax at risk. I want the kind of marriage where we would follow each other out into the stormy fatal sea or I'm not marrying at all.

I realized that anyone who dared to hurt me would suffer his full wrath, and Walt wasn’t going to hold him back.