You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible.

When you affirm big, believe big and pray big, putting faith into action, big things happen.

If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me?

The eagles ruled the air as the tribes ruled the land.

How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol ? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve.

Men who possess all the advantages of life are in a state where there are many accidents to disorder and discompose, but few to please them.

But I have noticed this about ambitious men, or men in power, that they fear even the slightest and least likely threat to it.

Pulling yourself up again is the most important part of your life. Getting out of the bottom that you put everything into - yourself!

Just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful quotes each and every day...Some days, it's the nicest thing I hear all day....Muah.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!