When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

What sort of gods make rats and plagues and dwarfs?

My camping days are over, but I might consider glamping.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Always that tyrannical love reaches out. Soft words shrivel me like quicklime. She will not allow me to be cold, hungry. She will insist that I take her own coat, her own food.

Who Rebels? Who rises in arms? Rarely the slave, but almost always the oppressor turned slave.

I believe that were it not for the Holy Mass, as of this moment the world would be in the abyss.

What I have done in my nine year career was just a glimpse of what I can do.

I have been to Iraq on a number of occasions. I was with the first group that went in.

If we are machines, then in principle at least, we should be able to build machines out of other stuff, which are just as alive as we are.

Contextualization is not giving people what they want. It is giving God's answers (which they probably do not want) to the questions they are asking and in forms they can comprehend.