When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Most of us have nicknames—annoying, endearing, embarrassing.But what about your true name? to respond when called.Ever wonder why?.

There is no royal road to science, and only those who do not dread the fatiguing climb of its steep paths have a chance of gaining its luminous summits.

John Logan pretty much does the Woody Allen thing of just bringing people in and meeting them.

Families are the Nurseries of all Societies; and the First combinations of mankind.

It is a maxim, that those, to whom everybody allows the second place, have an undoubted title to the first.

Thought determines action. Do not let your whole life be a reaction to the things that happen around you each day. Let your life be an action.

People are concerned over safety and spillage, especially for the workers. Were all really hopeful even though we remain deeply concerned over the safety and the efficacy of an unproven technology.

Kissing's a good thing, man. It's the doorbell of intimacy.

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)

I believe in not quite knowing. A writer needs to be doubtful, questioning. I write out of curiosity and bewilderment.