We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Almost nothing happens by accident. There’s no use getting upset and losing your peace. Sometimes out of your pain comes purpose.

It was him, thirty years too old, twenty pounds too light, & forty watts too dim maybe, but him.

Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language.

When life hands you lemons - SQUAT! Squats make everything better. And if squats don't, bacon will

A man is free to go up as high as he can reach up to; but I, with all my style and pep, can't get a man my equal because a girl is always judged by her mother.

As in so many cases of sexual abuse within the family, it is much more complicated than had it been done by a stranger.

Everybody ought to listen to Benny [Carter]. He's a whole musical education.

One time Robert Plant was set to check into the same room after I checked out, so I removed every light bulb and ordered up a bunch of stinky cheese and put it under the mattress.

When I see Steve Davis I see two letters... C S... Cue Sorceror.

Boredom comes not from reality but from people who are only half alive.