Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

The more I live, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I realize, the less I know.

There is only one thing in this world worse than dying and that’s watching someone you love die instead—you feel their pain with no final solace.

From now on, it is our task to suspect each and everyone amongst us. Forewarned is forearmed. Take no risks and be alert to danger. That is all.

As a young boy, I was taught in high school that hacking was cool.

Every couple I know has side-by-side grave plots, but when we do it we're the biggest weirdos on the block.

Congress seems to thrive on breaking promises and passing unfunded mandates down to local government. It's really just a matter of priorities.

Keeping house is as unpleasant and filthy as coal mining, and the pay's a lot worse.

Communication is mutual feeling with someone, not a didactic process of information.

The pleasure of working with somebody who's an actor is they don't waste time with stuff that doesn't matter.

Act now. There is never any time but now, and there never will be any time but now.