Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

Black Books adheres to a more old fashioned, traditional sitcom format, which I think works, because in its own way, it's quite theatrical.

You’re not an adult at all - you're just a tall child holding a beer, having conversations you don't understand...

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

I almost shat my pants. Literally, the floor was almost covered in my shat.

If you find here & now intolerable, you have options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.

A life worth living might be measured in many ways, but the one way that stands above all others is living a life of no regrets.

Color will play no part in the art of future.

The Bible is very clear that in the last days men will be “lovers of themselves” (2 Tim. 3:2).

I am just a player trying to do what Im told.

We still by no means think decisively enough about the essence of action.

You can kill the body, but not the spirit.

The greatest question of our time is not communism vs. individualism, not Europe vs. America, not even the East vs. the West; it is whether men can bear to live without God.

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.