Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.

Originality is never embraced as quickly as the commonplace.

Don't try to give a funny opinion; give your opinion in a way that will be funny.

Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it's a burning desire, you'll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.

If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.

When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."

You can't wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.

I advise treating the studio audience like a nightclub audience because that's the reason you're doing television - to get them to come see you in a nightclub.

Obviously the audience has veto power signified by whether they laugh or not, but you-not them-retain the ultimate power to decide what they're going to get the opportunity to laugh at.

The Bible teaches that money is one of the fruits of being prosperous, but it is certainly not the root.

i wish i had 15-20 cats that would serve as a blanket, like if i moved they would adjust to my new position, that would be good

I think people should be different. I love people who don't go by the rule that you have to be careful because you're old, you have to do this and that, you have to eat this and that.

This is a fallen world. People lie, the truth gets distorted, and that's the way it is. What's for dinner ?

Nothing is more tiresome than a superannuated pedagogue.

Reading a novel is just a much more involving and intimate experience than the act of watching a film. I mean, you literally get inside of a novelist's head, and you invest many hours to do so.

I've got a couple of those Gossard Wonderbras. They are so brilliant, I swear, even I get cleavage with them.

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes.

First of all, never play macho man with the market. Second, never overtrade.

All things from the north are devilish.