Uncyclopedia isn't funny anymore.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

I've got cheekier with age. You can get away with murder when you're 71 years old. People just think I'm a silly old fool.

If you want to drink, have a drink... if you want to drive, then drive... there's nothing worse than having a smash sober.

I'm not saying my mother-in-law is fat - because she is of reasonable size, and I care about her and her self-image.

I once got sacked for laughing ... mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

It showed a kind of obscenity you see only in nature, an obscenity so extreme that it dissolves imperceptibly into beauty.

Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good-night.

The first follower is actually an underestimated form of leadership in itself. … The first follower is what transforms a lone nut into a leader.

We can walk without fear, full of hope and courage and strength to do His will, waiting for the endless good which He is always giving as fast as He can get us able to take it in.

I wished my wife to be not so much as suspected.

It's quite astonishing how much money people make in the hedge fund business and in the private equity field, and how well-off affluent families really are.

When I was little, I always sad that I wanted a brother, and now it's like having four of them!

When you find yourself in a position to help someone, be happy because Allah is answering that person’s prayer through you.

War is not some sort of Nintendo video game.

You know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? - Medicine.