Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When you only focus on your goals you never see any obstacles.

Life gives us experiences, we are learners.

God has not bowed to our nervous haste nor embraced the methods of our machine age. The man who would know God must give time to Him.

The surest way to become Tense, Awkward, and Confused is to develop a mind that tries too hard - one that thinks too much.

What greater happiness is there than the privilege of being bored together?

Nobody dislikes war more than warriors.

I think Vladimir Putin will give up power.

Thanks to those pesky laws of physics, when things aren't sustainable, they stop.

All history is the history of thought.

Making ourselves feel ugly is not fun." "We are ugly.