The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

The young man knows the rules but the old man knows the exceptions.

In bed we laugh in bed we cry And born in bed in bed we die The near approach a bed may show Of human bliss to human woe.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

Life is too brief and too rich to tiptoe through half-heartedly, rather than galloping at it with whooping excitement and ambition.

As a result of the digital age and the decline of first-class mail, there is no question that the Postal Service must change and develop a new business model.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

I've come to realize that protecting freedom of choice in our everyday lives is essential to maintaining a healthy civil society.

For me, drawing generates thinking and vice versa.

Women have had the power of naming stolen from us. We have not been free to use our own power to name ourselves, the world, or God.

Quality has always been the overriding factor for us. But you also have to have happy people working for you.