I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

Uncle Vernon’s face worked furiously. The idea of being taught consideration by a man who had just blasted away half his living-room wall seemed to be causing him intense suffering.

In every truth, the beneficiaries of a system cannot be expected to destroy it.

I've always thought that parallel parking was my main talent.

The support gets me to the gym but the doubt keeps me there.

The familiar writer is apt to be his own satirist. Out of his own mouth is he judged.

The adrenaline of a live performance is unlike anything in film or theater. I can see why it's so addictive.

Tis a sure sign work goes on merrily, when folks sing at it.

No stir of air was there, Not so much life as on a summer's day Robs not one light seed from the feather'd grass, But where the dead leaf fell, there did it rest.

The curse of covetousness is that it destroys manhood by substituting money for character.

People say 'follow in the footsteps' but I always find that a strange expression because what you want to do is forge your own path, so to speak.