I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.

Find your passion and run with it. Anything is possible.

Our dream is parallel to the realitySlumber's one platform for perpendicularityBut it always went contrary to the plan takenWaking us from sleep to sleep back again

Everyday 25, 000 people die from poverty and hunger. And we have forgotten that they are also human.

We're on the border of this world, speaking a common language. That's all.

History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.

For me, every translation is a new book, with the translator inevitably broadening the meaning of the original book in any translation.

I didn't start out to chart the skies; it's just no one had done it before.

Excessive distrust is not less hurtfJul than its opposite. Most men become useless to him who is unwilling to risk being deceived.

I consider it equal injustice to set our heart against natural pleasures and to set our heart too much on them. We should neither pursue them, nor flee them; we should accept them.

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.