The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Sometimes it takes a meltdown to cool down.

With which stars do they go on speaking, the rivers that never reach the sea?

I am tired of men hurting women and each other and themselves.

Theology, like fiction, is largely autobiographical.

My mom never went to college, but for her own children, getting a great education was not an option.

If anything is worth doing, do it with all your heart.

Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success.

I've had, like, four long-term boyfriends. I tend to be in relationships for long periods of time.

Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.