Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You have to be a light to yourself in a world that is utterly becoming dark.

At the heart of nature's mystery lies another mystery.

Christ, woman, were you ever going to say anything?”He grabbed her by the wrist and tugged her down the hall tothe single bathroom. “Get out of that shirt.

Loneliness chosen is always preferable to loneliness imposed

The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

"You marked the minutes," the old man said. "But did you use them wisely? To be still? To cherish? To be grateful? To lift and be lifted?"

It's always difficult to watch someone you love die.

For most men friendship is a faithless harbor.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.