Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Without knowing every single detail in a man’s life, we cannot judge whether he is a good person or not!

Whatever you are going through, it will not last. I promise you. You are not going to stay there. Tell yourself, “I am not staying here. It is just a season.” Seasons change.

If we understood the enigmas of life there would be no need for art.

Tackling childhood obesity is key.

When I was 18, I'd be out four nights a week - I want to have that energy again but I've found I'm a bit old and ready for retirement.

Old man! 'Tis not difficult to die.

The United States is not for democracy in Iraq, it's for setting up a puppet government.

What you eat affects you physically as well as other beings you share this planet with.

Man's health and well-being depends upon, among many things, the proper functioning of the myriad proteins that participate in the intricate synergisms of living systems.

For if I am to love truly and freely, I must be able to give something that is truly my own to another. If my heart does not first belong to me, how can I give it to another?