One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Self-esteem is not a luxury

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life.

I think the writer's job is to paint the gray because no life is clearly defined.

The rest of the planets have their dress and furniture, nay and their inhabitants too, as well as this Earth of ours.

Free speech is too dangerous to a democracy to be permitted

In the Greek cities, it was reckoned profane, that any person should pretend a property in a work of art, which belonged to all who could behold it.

Ikea products should come free with happy meals.

Hulga the whole while hollering like a half-slaughtered hog. (Attention, students of literature! Alliteration - have you noticed? - is my least vice.)

I have been exposed to most musical genres and have learned how to tackle them effectively.