No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

The history of your happiness is the history of your feeling connected.

Country life has its advantages, ' he used to say. 'You sit on the veranda drinking tea and your ducklings swim on the pond, and everything smells good. . . and there are gooseberries.

If you become the light of peace there will be no darkness of hatred.

All professions have some element of theater to them.

I have nothing against turkey. We eat turkey for Thanksgiving in my house.

I just use my muscles as a conversation piece, like someone walking a cheetah down 42nd Street.

On Rafael Nadal: Every point he plays is like match point. That's why he's the champion right now.

There is a path toward the light. The one that goes blink, blink, blink inside your chest when you know what you're doing is right. Listen to it. Trust it. Let it make you stronger than you are.

Am I crazy Loretta?" "A little," she says. I glance up at her. "Sometimes we're called on to do crazy things.

Our mothers and fathers want change. They worked all of their lives, but today live in destitution.