My writing process is very feedback-based. When I do stand-up, I listen to the audience. I try to understand what's connecting, what's not connecting, and then rewrite, rewrite and rewrite.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

He hated this feeling of free-floating, just drifting from place to place, thought to thought, without any sense of anchor or root.

Social media inflames our already inflated view of self.

One must write poetry in such as way that if one threw the poem in a window, the pane would break.

Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts.

Myths are wonderful - they really tell the stories that connect all of us and teach us so much.

I got to fall in love. I got to win a war. I got to write words that inspired a nation.

You just went up and started playing, the audience got into it, and it was just a great high experience. That's what I kind of invented with "Mas Tequila" in Cabo.

I tell stories through dance, and I think that's why I'm so attracted to the theatre because even the choreography in theatre moves the plot forward at all times.

If a bout of "creepy face" sets in, the trick is to look away from the camera between shots and turn back only when necessary. This also limits how much of your soul the camera can steal.